Looking back on Season One: WTF is actually going on?
I’m writing this from my hotel room on 1st Jan 2020 in Melbourne, Australia. Finally. It’s an article that I’ve been putting off for ages and I’m not sure why. Probably because it marks the end of a big chapter of the G’s Spot journey – that is, my pilot season which encompasses so much personal research, learnings and thoughts. It also marks change, which I’m never good at managing. But it’s the first day of 2020 – imbued with reflections, resolutions and hopes of new beginnings – and I can’t ignore the opportune moment this day lends me to write my own musings as Season One draws to a close.
Launching G’s Spot was easy in a way – I had so much material and things that I wanted to say about female sexual pleasure, I just had to get on and do it. Now, I’ve entered a new period for G’s Spot. I need to keep the ball rolling, to expand, to keep my audience engaged and inspired, to hustle, to grow confidence in the platform (and in myself!) G’s Spot is no longer just a creative passion project and outlet for me. A year later, it’s a side hustle. Human sexuality is now a focal point in my career life – I’m training to become a sex coach, learning how to build a business and teaching myself how to be self-assured in this complex, taboo field. The latter is probably the hardest. Imposter syndrome is no lie.
Recently, I had to write a bio about myself for the “Experts Corner” on the FERLY website. I had time to reflect on my journey so far, and here’s some initial thoughts I jotted down:
Who am I?
I am a sex blogger, a female pleasure advocate and a sex coach in training.
What do I believe?
I believe that the way we think about sex, talk about sex, are taught about sex and consequently have sex leaves much to be desired, especially amongst women. Launching G’s Spot was my small contribution to change that.
What have I done?
I launched G’s Spot to create a space to shine a spotlight on female sexuality and female sexual pleasure.
I wanted to create an accessible platform that encourages frank, informative, mind-expanding (yes!) and shame-free conversations about sex.
My articles in Season One were based on research that I carried out myself two years ago – via a global survey, personal interviews and focus groups – which over 500 women responded to.
Armed with all this information, I launched ‘WTF IS GOING ON’ to canvass the sexual landscape for women.
12 not-that-great things I found out about SEX for women:
1. I found that 4 in 5 women I surveyed fake their orgasms
2. I found that only 21% of the women I surveyed enjoy sex every time.
What would this percentage be if asked to men ?!?!
3. I found that the clitoris, in its full form, was only discovered in 1998!
4. I found that only 36% of the women I surveyed knew what the clitoris extends four inches below the surface of the skin and branches out into legs and bulbs.
We are living in an ‘icliterate society’ that does not understand the full potential of the clitoris nor its capacity for pleasure!
5. I found that it was Sigmund Freud who started the LIE that a ‘proper’ orgasm is vaginal and that a ‘clitoral’ orgasm is lesser and more ‘immature’
This is – I repeat – a LIE. See below…
7. I found that half to three-quarters of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Which – by the way – P in V sex does NOT prioritise!
You are therefore not broken or a failure if you cannot orgasm from penetration alone.
8. I found that our genitals are not called a vagina! It’s a VULVA!
A vagina is the hole that a dick goes into and a baby comes out of. Stop calling your genitals an incorrect term that highlights its use for me!!! It’s very important to reclaim the word VULVA!
9. I found that less than 1 in 5 women use the word ‘vulva’ and that 60% couldn’t label one – but that 70% COULD correctly label the male genitals.
10. I found that the G-spot is an area through which the internal part of the clitoris is stimulated. It’s not a myth. It’s not a physical ‘button’ or a ‘thing’ you can touch on the vaginal wall. It’s part of something called the ‘CUV complex’ – this is a better, more modern redefinition of the G-spot. There is a lot of baffling, contradictory misinformation out there about the g-spot, which makes women feel inadequate and confused. It really doesn’t need to be like this. It’s literally an area, on the vagina, where the internal clitoris is being rubbed.
11. If women don’t feel any G-Spot stimulation, it’s because all women are wired differently and the vagina wall and internal part of their clitoris don’t tickle each other’s fancy. No biggie.
12. I found that the majority of women who I surveyed learned about sex through their friends, media and their own experiences… Not very reassuring stats that make for empowered sex lives…
Things I have learned and hope for the future :
1. Education, Education, Education
In order to have good sex and to experience great pleasure, I’ve learned that women and their partners need to be totally in the know about the female body. However, there are a lot of myths and stigma surrounding female sexuality. And there is a lot of shame – from personal, internal shame to external societal shaming of women who have pleasurable sex. It’s been going on for CENTURIES. I hope that we can strive towards a society that dismantles all the taboos surrounding sex, a society that offers a comprehensive sexuality education to all, a society that uses accurate language around sex and a society that dedicates a decent amount of funding towards sexuality and embraces it as a healthy part of life… Because: more knowledge = better information = more empowered people and sexual experiences
2. It’s OK to be ASSERTIVE
Once we get through the whole ‘ridding us from centuries of shame’ thing, I hope that women can start taking responsibility for their own pleasure and truly believing that they deserve it. It’s about women realising that they aren’t “making a fuss’ and that it’s not awkward/weird/shameful/unbecoming to ask for what they want. It’s about women being open to being vulnerable and open to putting themselves first. It’s about women having a voice and being empowered.
3. Communication is key
I’ve learned that women need to communicate their desires better to their partners: what gets them off, what touch they enjoy etc. Deep communication with no inhibitions and no fear is what the world needs! It’s what our relationships and sex lives need. No sidestepping to massage men’s egos, no measuring your partner’s pleasure as a barometer of your own, no more faking orgasms. And I believe that if our sexual education and self-sexual-confidence are top-notch, honest conversations about sex will become a lot easier – culturally, socially, publicly and privately. Again, it’s about women taking responsibility for their sexuality and getting what they want!
4. Re-writing the sexual script
I’m very interested in how we can deconstruct the narrative around sex and re-define what sex can be for women. There is a lot of play-acting, a lot of smoke and mirrors, a lot of games surrounding sex that are not satisfying most women and that are not connecting many people having partnered sex. Goal-oriented, penetrative focused, ‘red hot’ sex that is upheld in media, movies and porn doesn’t work for women. They just play along with this ‘intercourse discourse’ – faking orgasms and putting on a performance to please a partner is a common experience among many, many women who aren’t getting off to the penetrative sex model that they have inherited as right and proper (but that doesn’t facilitate external clit stim which most women need to feel pleasure). Can we re-write the sexual script? Can we explore the many colours of the rainbow that sex can be – not just ‘red’ – and create new, slower, more sensual, more intimate, more connecting definitions of sex that actually arouse women too? I hope we can, and I am here for it. This is a massive focus in my sex coaching!
5. Women prioritising themselves
As Isabel Losada writes, I hope that women ‘shift their perspective so that their bodies are vehicles for themselves, not their partners’. I’ve learned that women need to find out what works for them – what touch arouses them, what desires they have, what is pleasurable and unpleasurable for them. A lot easier said than done because, in order to do this, we need to shift the entrenched shame that has been associated with female pleasure and instead feel confident in prioritising the self. A tall ask! Luckily, the female sexual wellness industry is starting to boom and is here to help us all! These are products and services aimed at women, made by women, intending to elevate the status of female pleasure and help integrate pleasure into our everyday lives.
So much food for thought! Female sexuality and sexual pleasure are so complex and intriguing, and you can come to it from so many different angles. Mine is definitely from one of empowerment and from changing the narrative around sex for women – we can end faking orgasms once and for all! Thank you ALL for reading G’s Spot and following the journey so far.
Here’s to season TWO, launching next week!
Illustration by Bronwen Bender
www.bronwenbender.com / @bronwenbender